Riding in the car with my nineteen year old son, Levi, I was not amused as he prompted me to look deeper into myself. He reminded me not so gently that I have not been writing and to look into why that might be occurring. I told him that just the other day I had a specific dream about being in fog, and the very next morning the devotional I read referred to that very thing of being in fog. I was sure that God gave me that word to run with and write about. And here I was listening to this barely adult asking me why I had not done it. “Remember the dreams, the website, the business cards?” he says. “What is keeping you from doing this?” Glibly I replied, “I know why. I’m apathetic because I just don’t see success in my life.” I thought that would perhaps quiet him. It did not, and it did not quiet what God was speaking into the depths of my heart either. I dropped him off and drove to the grocery store. Levi’s job was done. Now the Holy Spirit had my attention.
Okay…so I’m apathetic. I have been pressing in for YEARS and yes, I have seen successes and yet…I have also seen numerous setbacks and unfulfilled dreams and desires. I am closer than ever in my walk with the LORD. I am completely convinced that He is good and on His throne. I was doing everything I had been taught and what I knew would give me victory-praying, corporate fellowship, meditating on the Word, giving, fasting, speaking life giving words and on and on. I. I. I. I was being a good girl and was not getting the goodies. The Holy Spirit spoke right into my heart, “You are mad at God.” I argued with Him. “Surely not me! Good girls do not get mad at God. I believe He is good and loves me.” Then I remembered my conversation with Levi and realized where I needed to take that deeper look. I was acting in a passive/aggressive manner with God. He put the ability and the purpose to write in me, and I was refusing Him by passively being disobedient. Good girls don’t sin by commission. That is too overt and obvious. We sin by omission because it feels far more palatable. The problem is…it is still sin, nonetheless and maybe worse because we pretend it isn’t there. I pretended it wasn’t there. I denied it in fact. And that good girl thing? That is not real either. The Bible says in Luke 18:19 “No one is good-except God alone.” I felt like I had been sucker punched. I had to admit that I was mad at God for keeping me in a state of loneliness, financial upheaval, and so much uncertainty. With tears I repented of my disobedient behavior and covering up the real me. I don’t believe being angry with God was my sin, but my in-authenticity of acting as though I was too good for that and refusing to do what He asked of me. It is a holy moment coming clean with God and the sucker punch actually felt good.
The dream about the fog with the corresponding lesson now made sense. I have been feeling the fear of uncertainty for so long-just like driving in heavy fog is disconcerting when I have control behind the wheel and cannot see. In contrast; however as a passenger on an airplane and flying through thick clouds or fog if you will, I don’t feel angst because I am not in control. I trust the pilot and the instrumentation to get me to my destination. Surely this physical lesson applies spiritually as well. I surrender control to the One who can see and has every capability to get me to my destiny. An airplane flight takes a specific amount of time to get me there. If I whined to the pilot and wanted to be done with my flight prior to the flight plan, I might be dropped off in an ocean, desert, or cornfield! The same is true with God. He is taking us somewhere, and if we whine and get mad at Him for not giving us our goodies before the appointed time, even if we are model passengers, we will miss the destiny.
So I learned a deep lesson to trust God and to be authentic with Him and myself. He remains good even though I am not. Whether I take off, get jolted by turbulence, get weary in the waiting, or just can’t see where I am, today I choose to wait on Him knowing He will get me safely home where I belong.